HST Blog

By: Advocate Bridgette Sehlapelo (Trustee) 

This is based on the true story of a friend, colleague and sister.

He used to be the most wonderful man in the universe; loving, caring and extremely romantic. When we met, it was love at first sight, plus he was a handsome man. I was very beautiful and sexy, size 28 waist and looking like Miss Universe. Over and above, a professional woman, an attorney. He would take me to social functions and parade me like the model I was to his friends and everyone else. I was not allowed to speak to any other man or even mingle with their wives or girlfriends. I did not see anything wrong with that, it meant that he was being protective of me. But against what? I didn't know, didn't even care to question. Life was good.

A few months down the line in our relationship, jealousy started creeping in. I thought that that was real love, he wanted me only for himself. He would go out at night, and never come back home until the next day and very drunk, driving my car. He saw nothing wrong with that. At 12am, I would call and he would say, "Mama, I'm on my way home, can't you hear the car that I'm driving." I would try calling him again at 1am but his phone was switched off. I wouldn't be able to sleep, panicking that something had happened to him. Then, around 11am, I would hear the gate open, loud music as he drove into the driveway, very drunk. He would mumble something and pass out. I would be so angry to the point of crying, and he just didn't care, sometimes accusing me of crying crocodile tears and trying to blackmail him with my tears.

This continued for the next three years. He would even give me interesting descriptions like "babe, you have beautiful legs, but your thighs are touching and that doesn't look good"; "your body is good but your stomach is too big". What did he expect, I had my son through C-section. You try having a flat stomach after that, not easy but possible. Mind you, I had a son from a previous relationship. He loved my boy and that made me love him, or so I thought. We shared my life with him, but I was in over my head, and I ignored all the warning signs which I knew and saw.

Emotional turmoil, insults that reduced me to nothing, jealousy, lies, and paranoia became part of my life. He was a cheater of note, an alcoholic and a master at mind games. Stress and depression became my middle name. I was reminded every day that I was stupid, ugly, a manipulator, and he even called me Miss Good for Nothing. I was told that I am the worst woman on earth, and that my profession doesn't scare him because I am useless anyway.

The more successful I became in my career, the more he trampled on my confidence. I would bury myself in my work and my son. I became very good at that, smiling but dying on the inside. The abuse got worse. He told me that being an attorney has gone to my head and made me think I wore the pants in the relationship, that I had forgotten how to be a woman; meaning I should submit and ask no questions. Everything he said and did seemed to be aimed at destroying my self-image to make me feel worthless. My cooking was ridiculed, my body was ridiculed. Nothing I did was ever right.

One day, when he couldn't get inside my head, he smashed a hammer into my head. I woke up in the ICU, thanking God for his Grace and Mercy that kept me alive to tell the tale.

Many times, I asked myself why I never listened to my gut the first time I saw the signs. Many people asked me why I didn't leave him. I wanted to, so many times, but he had convinced me that I was an embarrassment. Maybe it was because my father was never around, and I needed the validation of a man. As a little girl, I dreamt that I would meet a great guy who had his own thing going and was confident like my father, I guess. The last thing I expected was that I would meet a man, who would abuse me day in day out, but choose to stay.

He did not have a house, stayed with his parents and was unemployed. I invited him to come and live with me.  Today, looking back, it feels like I invited him to come into my home and abuse me. He didn't have a car and so we shared mine. When he wasn't working, even his friends could not tell because I gave him money and we were fine. He kept making excuses when he had to find a job; his parents were rich.

I was severely damaged emotionally and psychologically, yet to those I was helping in my work as a lawyer, I seemed strong. I would speak in court or at seminars about men who abuse women and children, yet I knew that in my own home, he was doing exactly the same. I was full of anger and felt helpless because I did not know how to get him out.

Finally, I'm out of a toxic, abusive, violent relationship. It is a difficult healing process, but I will rise above the waters. The abuse started from day one, but it was subtle. I'm no slender girl anymore, I'm a proud plus-size woman and I love myself. I am enough!!!

Yes, abuse is not only physical, economic or sexual, but also emotional and psychological. It is harm inflicted in public or in private. It also includes threats of violence, coercion and manipulation.

What Is Emotional / Psychological Abuse?

An isolated occurrence doesn't necessarily qualify as emotional abuse, but a pattern of behaviour that creates fear and control does. Such mistreatment can occur in a range of interpersonal contexts, including a parental relationship, a romantic relationship, or a professional relationship.

Emotional abuse can include verbal assault, dominance, control, isolation, ridicule, or the use of intimate knowledge for degradation. It targets the emotional and psychological well-being of the victim, and it is often a precursor to physical abuse. Verbal abuse early in a relationship predicts subsequent physical abuse.

People who suffer emotional abuse can experience short-term difficulties such as confusion, fear, difficulty concentrating, and low confidence, as well as nightmares, aches, and a racing heart. Long-term repercussions may include anxiety, insomnia, and social withdrawal. Emotional abuse centres around control, manipulation, isolation, and demeaning or threatening behaviour. Signs of abuse include:

Survivors of emotional abuse or domestic violence often remain tethered to the relationship longer than outsiders can understand. But there are many reasons why leaving is so difficult. Constant accusations and harassment can wear down the victim and lead to distorted thoughts such as believing that she or he "deserves it" or that emotional abuse isn't "real abuse." Fear, damaged self-worth, concern for children or the family, financial constraints, and other factors can also lead victims to stay in abusive relationships. It takes strength for the survivors of domestic violence to speak out.

Leaving an abusive relationship is challenging but completely possible. Victims must come to recognize that reasoning with an abuser is not effective and that the individual will probably never change. To begin to heal, experts advise that those leaving an emotionally abusive relationship seek support from their social circle and often a therapist.

Between April to June 2022, 855 women and 243 children were killed. There were 11 000 assault grievous bodily harm (GBH) cases opened and reported to the police; the victims female. Let us bear in mind that this is not the true reflection of actual GBV and femicide death we have in this country.

The lesson I wish to share with fellow South Africans is to not judge when a person is in an abusive relationship. Understand that getting out of an abusive relationship is difficult. Be supportive and where others talk or seek help, help them or find them someone who can. Report the incidents. Let us continue making noise about it, let us act against GBV. Let us teach our sons, daughters, brothers and sisters about GBV.

Advocate Bridgette Sehlapelo holds an LLB degree, LLM (Masters in Tax), Certificate in Legislation drafting, and Certificate in Competition Law from the University of Pretoria. She further holds an MBL (Masters in Business Leadership) degree from UNISA School of Business Leadership. She was admitted as an Attorney in 2002 and started her career as a practising Attorney and later moved to various state-owned enterprises where she was an in-house legal practitioner on different levels, including Senior management/Executive. During her tenure as an in-house legal practitioner, she worked in different institutions, specialising in various areas of law. Advocate Sehlapelo later joined the Advocate's Bar where she is presently practising as an Advocate.